Smoke And Ashes
by planesandtrains
Summary: Jessie Curtis, Pony's twin sister, is still torn up about Johnny's death and it's finally revealed to her brother's exactly why she was affected so deeply. Now she wants revenge. CHAPTER 6 & 7 ARE UP! R&R!
1. Chapter 1

_(This is a sort of introduction, just so you can get to know Jessie Curtis)_

I was not in a good mood. It was 8:53 on a Thursday morning, I was due at school in exactly 7 minutes, my hand was throbbing from where I'd burnt it on my curling iron, and I'd gotten into a huge argument with my brother, Darry, over my blouse. It was the same argument we had every morning when I refused to fasten the top button, which was frequently.

Sodapop had pulled me aside, told me to "pickmy battles", gave me a hug, fastened my top button, and shooed me out the door. I appreciated Soda's little peacekeeping pep talks, I really did, but I often wondered why he never stood up for me, yet was always so quick to Ponyboy's defense.

Ponyboy was my twin brother, my biggest tormentor, my greatest annoyance, and my best friend. I was 9 minutes younger and Pony was always quick to point this out, that and how "unoriginal" my name was. Pony and I had little in common, except for our mutual respect for one another.

Sodapop was my second oldest brother; he teased me endlessly, but loved me more. I idolized and adored him, and he was always there for support and advice. Soda and I had bonded from day one, yet there were not two more opposite siblings. Soda was soft-spoken and open-minded, I was loud and stubborn. Soda was affectionate, I kept myself gaurded; Soda was reckless, I was cautious.

And then there was Darry, my oldest brother, and the only one who could exercise an ounce of discipline upon me. Darry and I didn't talk - we argued and we bickered. Anyone could see how similar we were, which was clearly the reason why we were constantly at each other's throats. I was always picking fights with Darry, pushing his buttons and challenging his authority, but I never once disobeyed him, for reasons I'm still unsure of. I suspected he didn't love me, which was just fine, seeing as the feeling was mutual.

**Chapter One**

It had been almost a 11 months since Johnny Cade and Dallas Winston had passed away. The only time anyone ever mentioned it was if they were drunk or half-asleep. It was a sore spot with all of the Greasers - everyone felt responsible. Ponyboy had changed significantly - his youthfullness had been replaced with an icy barrier much like Darry's. He was as spacey as ever, and still a wise-ass, but throughout the months after Johnny and Dally's deaths his boyishness had vanished and a moody teenager had moved in. We were both approaching 15 and Darry was constantly reminding us to 'watch our tones' and 'wise up' - he said we were turning into young adults and was unimpressed with our 'childish behaviour'. True to their words however, Darry and Pony hadn't fought once since they made that promise to Soda. They bickered, sure, but they made sure never to cross the boundary into a full fledged argument. I was just as pleased as Sodapop - there was definitely less tension in the house, something we were all thankful for.

It was a gloomy afternoon in March and I was sitting on the steps outside of school, waiting for Ponyboy. He always forgot stuff in his locker - books, tennis shoes, his comb - he was notorious for being absent-minded and we almost never got out of school without him running back to retrieve something. I was thumbing through his copy of _Gone With The Wind_ when she sat down beside me. Cherry Valance. I despised her whole-heartedly and she knew it, so it was a mystery to me why she'd decided to grace me with her presence.

"Hey, Jessica," she said tentatively. When I didn't respond, she pressed on, "Look, I know we never really hit it off, but I've been meaning to tell you something since ...well, since Johnny died." She said the last part quickly, as if it'd be less of a blow.

I glanced up at her. What could she possibly have to tell _me_ about Johnny's death?

"No one knows this ...not even Ponyboy ...but I, um, I visited Johnny in the hospital and -"

"You did what?" I spat. Cherry Valance was a Soc, born and bred. It made me cringe to think of her seeing Johnny out of pity.

She gave me a hard look, "You weren't the only one who cared about him, okay? I know I didn't know him for that long, but Johnny was an okay kid and it tore me up inside knowin' he was hurt so bad. I guess I ...well, I suppose I felt responsible in some way." She paused, apparently regaining her composure, and then continued. "Anyway, while I was there he gave me a note for you. At least, I think it's for you. The reason I didn't give it to you sooner was because I couldn't make out the name on it - he just handed it to me and said, 'Give this to her.' I finally figured out it said Jellybean, and then yesterday I heard Sodapop call you that when he picked you up from school so ...I guess this is for you."

She handed me a piece of yellowed notebook paper, which I took numbly. I was absolutely livid. I felt like she had intruded on my private grief - she was involved in some way, and it bothered me immensely. I consoled myself with the fact that Johnny was probably half unconcious when he'd given her the note so I wouldn't pull her silky, red hair out.

"Thanks." I muttered quickly, before standing up and bolting down the stairs. Ponyboy could catch up whenever he was done dawdling around. My heart was in my throat, and I could feel my eyes tearing, but I angrily fisted them away. In the days after Johnny's death, I'd cried myself dry. I literally passed out from sobbing once or twice. It had taken me months to recover enough to function normally, and I knew this note would bring back all those past hurts, which is why I stuffed it in my pocket without so much as glancing at it. I was suddenly spitting mad at Johnny Cade. How could he let someone like Cherry Valance relay such an important message to me? I felt completely violated, and was still lost in angry thought when someone grabbed my shoulders. "BOO!"

I spun around so fast I nearly got whiplash. Two-Bit was standing there, his eyes dancing, his grin mischevious. "Scare ya?" he asked, and then cackled maliciously.

I gave him a good, hard punch. "Glory, Two-Bit you scared me half to death!"

"Sorry, Jellybean. You looked so out of it, I couldn't resist." He draped his arm across my shoulder, and we continued walking.  
"What's up, kid? You know better than to walk home alone."

I shrugged, unconcerned. "Ponyboy was taking a year to get his homework, so I just left." I decided to leave out the part about the note. I knew Two-Bit would encourage me to read it; I stuffed it farther down into my pocket.

"What do ya say we head on over to the lot? You can tell me what's wrong there."

I didn't bother asking how Two-Bit knew something was bothering me. He'd known me for so long, he could read me like a book. Actually, I don't think Two-Bit could read, but you get what I'm saying. "Sure, I guess."

When we reached the lot I flopped down onto the grass and dropped my school bag beside me. I didn't have to worry about sitting a certain way - instead of the preppy skirts that dominated our era, I lived in skin-tight jeans that hit just above the knee.  
Most greaser girls in our area sported the same kind of attire, but my wardrobe was lacking in midriff bearing shirts and I didn't wear nearly as much eyeliner as the girls in our neighbourhood did. Darry would skin me if I ever decided to dress that way. I usually wore simple cotton blouses or borrowed one of Soda's plain white t-shirts. They smelled just like him - gasoline and a hint of girly perfume (it varied depending on who he was seeing).

Two-Bit sat down beside me and plunged right into it, "So what's buggin' ya, Jellybean?"

I had been prepared to make something up - me and Darry had argued that morning, I got a bad grade on my math test - but all the pent up hurt that had been recovered through my encounter with Cherry suddenly surfaced. My nose began to prickle and my eyes filled up with tears.

"I miss Johnny. And It's all her fault, all Cherry's fault, he died!" I sobbed, miserably.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

"I miss Johnny. And It's all her fault, all Cherry's fault, he died!" I sobbed, miserably.

Two-Bit looked slightly taken aback, but took it in stride, "Come on, Jessie. You can't blame no one - Johnny chose to go into that church. No one made him, did they?"

"He wouldn't have been near that church if it weren't for Cherry trying to pick up him and Ponyboy and tickin' off her stupid Soc boyfriend!" I knew I wasn't making much sense, but I needed someone to blame. It was as much Ponyboy's fault as Cherry's and I knew this too, but I couldn't bear to blame someone who had been hurt as much as I had been. Cherry was a Soc - she could go out and buy herself something real pretty to wash away the shame and hurt. Blaming someone was my own form of therapy.

"That's just stupid, Jessie and you know it. We all miss Johnny. Hell, he was the smartest one of all of us when you think about it. But there's nothin' you can do now, and you have to accept that." Two-Bit's voice had a bitter edge to it that I rarely heard and it made me recoil slightly.

_F L A S H B A C K_

_I could feel his fingers on my hipbone, tracing vague circles up my side, and then his thumb on my cheek. He kept his gaze steady, starring at me, my face, his eyes ...questioning? Yes, questioning. I lifted my gaze to his and gave a slight nod. My heartbeat sped up, my eyes were closing, his face was so close. And then I felt his lips on mine, slightly chapped and unsure, and then gaining momentum as I leaned in to his kiss. It was over sooner than I expected, but I was breathing hard, and so was Johnny. There had been so much tension, so much want, so many expectations that he had resolved in that sweet, hesitant kiss._

_This couldn't be it, I needed more. Johnny had a hungry look in his eyes, and I knew I looked similar. I felt like a heroin addict looking for another hit, I needed him, I needed what he stood for, and who he was. My hands shook as I began to unbutton his shirt. He didn't look surprised, just worried. "Are you sure?" he whispered. His face was so close to mine I could feel his warm breath on my lips, and in that moment all my insecurities and hesitations melted away. I had no idea where it was going. All I had was sheer impulse, recklessness, and a grade school crush to back me up. I thought briefly of Darry and Soda and Pony and what they would do if they ever found out, but the thought did nothing to detere me._

_Johnny's shirt was off and I felt his fingers on my collarbone, travelling down my stomach, and smoothing the hem of my cotton shirt between his thumb and forefinger. He looked me straight in the eye as he pulled it up and over my head, leaving me exposed and vulnerable to ...emotions and fate. I could feel his mouth on my shoulders, my chest, my arms, my stomach, my hip bones ..._

_E N D_

"But Two-Bit, you don't understand. I loved him! I loved Johnny." My voice was quiet, an octave above a whisper.

"Shoot, Jess. We all did - you know he was as close to me as you could get without bein' blood."

"No! I loved him ...I was in love with him."

Two-Bit stared at me long and hard, probably trying to gauge whether I was joking or not. "What do you mean you were in love with him?" he finally asked. His voice was low and unsure.

"I mean I was in love with him! I ...we ...we were seein' each other. Nobody knew. Not even Pony.  
We kept it a secret 'cause we knew you all wouldn't take it so well. It'd been goin' on for almost 8 months before he ...," my voice caught and I scrunched up my nose to stem the flow of tears, "before he died."

Two-Bit didn't say anything, just sat there and tugged up blades of grass, his face unreadable, but his eyes stormy.

"Are you mad?" I squeaked the words out, afraid of his reaction.

"That was a damned thing to lie about, Jessie! Soda and Darry are workin' full time to give you and Pony a better life and you're sneakin' around under their noses for 8 whole months!" He stood up abruptly and I scrambled to my feet. Two-Bit had never spoken to me like that, ever, and I could feel my whole body tremble.

"Well I'm not sorry!" I spouted angrily. "Darry never gives me the time of day - he only cares about Pony's grades and Soda's job, and makin' money! You think things are all wonderful and perfect, but you don't know, Two-Bit! I loved Johnny more than I ever loved anyone in my family, and now he's gone and now things will go back to how they were before - Pony and Soda will be the center of everyone's universe, Darry will be the hero, and I'll be left in the gutter!"

"What are you talking about? You and Soda and Pony get along just fine! I've been around y'all to know that much. Maybe Darry gives you a hard time, so what? He cares about you more than both my parents care about me! So you can just shut up about your brothers. They're good people, and you'd do well to pay them some respect!"

Two-Bit was silent for a long time before suddenly grabbing me by the arm,"Come on."

I jerked away impulsively, "Get offa me! Where are we going?"

"To your house to tell your brothers exactly what you just told me."

"No! Please Two-Bit, I can't. I can't tell them." I wiggled my arm frantically, but he only held on tighter.

"They deserve to know, Jessie."

And so we walked slowly back to the Curtis household, my stomach in knots, my heart in turmoil. It was easy to spout all that off to Two-Bit knowing there wouldn't be huge consequences except for a speech like the one he'd given me, but to tell my brothers, who I really did love but felt nothing but dislike for right then ...well, that was different. When we reached the house, Darry and Soda were out front with Steve, sitting on the steps and the latter smoking. I glanced up at Two-Bit and he cocked his eyebrows at me and gave me a quick push forward.

"Hey." I said miserably, sitting on the bottom step.

"Jessie here seems to think you two don't care about her." Two-Bit blurted. I gaped at him, wanting nothing more than to kick him in the head. He definitely wasn't one of the most tactful people I'd ever met.

"What?" Soda asked, looking between me and Two-Bit.

Darry said nothing, just stood up and glanced at Steve, who took the hint and got up to leave.

"Later Curtis's!" He called over his shoulder before slamming the gate behind him. Darry sat back down and stared at me, "What's this about?"

"Yeah, Jellybean. What's he talking about?" Soda asked.

I shrugged and picked at a hangnail. "Just what he said, I s'pose." I could feel Two-Bit's gaze on me and looked up at him, "What!  
What do you want me to say!"

"Exactly what you told me." he crossed his arms and dropped down beside me. Soda had moved down a step so he was directly behind me, and draped his arm across my shoulder. "What's up, honey?"

When I still refused to speak, Two-Bit prompted me, "I was in love with ..."

"Shut up! Shut up, Two-Bit!" I jerked away from Soda's arm and stood up. "I was in love with Johnny, okay? I loved him! And he loved me."

"We all loved him, Jessie." Soda said, looking confused.

I rolled my eyes. Boys were morons. "No Soda. I loved him-loved him. We were ...we were dating."

"WHAT!" Darry roared, on his feet. I winced and took a step back. "How long, Jessie? How long was this going on for?"

I wanted to curl up and die. "Eight months. Well, almost eight months."

Darry looked as if he wanted to smack the living daylights out of me, but settled with stomping into the house and slamming the door. I could hear him calling for Ponyboy, and they both appeared outside a few seconds later, Pony looking quite bewildered.

"Did you know anything about this?" Darry demanded.

"What? About what?" Pony asked.

"About Jessie and Johnny!" Soda interjected.

"What? What about them?" No one answered him, and Pony looked so out of the loop that I almost laughed.

"You didn't ...I mean, you guys never ..." Soda began, looking mighty uncomfortable.

I squirmed uncomfortably. My first impulse was to lie, but I was already in so deep I didn't think it would matter. Boy, was I wrong. "Er - once."

Soda looked like he might start crying, and Darry looked as if someone had smacked him. Even Two-Bit's mouth was hanging open.

"You slut!" Pony said angrily. Pony and I had never, ever called each other anything so vicious before and I could feel my blood boiling. I lunged out to punch him or kick him or whatever came first, but Soda had got to his feet and grabbed me round the waist. I kicked furiously, the anger rising, escalating. "Take that back, Pony! Take it back!"

"How could you, Jessie! He was my best friend! How could you lie to me?" Pony screamed.

"Shut up! You don't know anything! Maybe we never told you because we knew you'd run off and tell everyone who'd -"

"Stop it, both of you!" Darry yelled, his eyes blazing. Soda gave me one last hard jerk before putting me down.

"I'M OUTTA HERE!" I screamed, before running as fast as I could down the walk, and out of the yard.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

_Definitely not one of your better ideas_, Jessie, I muttered bitterly. I had no idea where I was going - I'd been running for a good 15 minutes, weaving through alleys and wandering down back streets. I knew it was stupid, but I was mostly doing it out of spite - if my brothers knew where I was they'd be out of their minds with worry. I guess I was an attention seeker in that way. I'd taken being the baby of the family for granted when my parents were still alive. I was the girl, and the youngest, a winning combination. We weren't well off by any stretch of the imagination, but my brothers and I never did without. I always felt like I got the better end of the deal though - Darry's hand-me-downs went to Soda,  
Soda's to Pony, and on and on.

Being the only girl, all my clothes were brand new. My mother couldn't sew to save her life, so all my clothes came straight from the department store still smelling of starch ...and then the car crash happened and things changed in a big way. Darry took over and the only person he'd ever had a soft spot for was Soda - anyone could see how proud he was of that kid. Actually, people couldn't help but be proud of Soda. Tulsa wasn't one of the most booming cities in America, so when Soda would walk down the street you could almost see people glow with pride. He was so handsome and alien to our small cops-and-robbers town and people expected him to go far. I think he let a lot of locals down by starting work at the DX station, but he seemed to like it fine and that was all that mattered.

Anyway, no longer was I the apple of my family's eye. Now that mom and dad were gone, Darry was adamant about Soda's job and Pony's grades - he cared about my grades, too, but I was an average student and I don't think he expected much out of me. So I tried week after week to grab my brother's attention.  
One night I ran away from home and spent the night at Buck Meril's place. I'd been scared out of my mind, but it got me the attention I wanted. Darry had stormed into Buck's house, ranting and raving about Buck letting a 14-year-old girl stay at such a shady place. Buck had been too wasted to know what the hell was going on, but he got a few good punches in and Darry took me home with one heck of a bruise on his right cheek. I thrived off things like that. It made me feel wanted in some twisted way.  
"Hey, Curtis!"

I turned around to see Tim Shepard of all people jogging up to meet me.

"Yeah, what do you want?" I asked, aware of how vulnerable I was in my unfamiliar surroundings. Tim Shepard was certainly not someone I wanted to interact with in an alleyway.

"Calm down, I ain't gonna hurt you. I'm on my way home. Walk with me?"

I was aware at how completely random and out-of-character this meeting was, and getting more suspicious by the second. "Um,  
sorry Tim, I can't. Darry'll be really worried."

"To hell with him. Come on. It's just a block over."

On the other hand, I definitely didn't want to piss off Tim Shepard. "Okay, uh. Sure, I guess."

We walked for a couple minutes in silence, but I was too anxious to figure out why we were walking together in the first place to keep my mouth shut. "Um, so. Why'd you want me to walk with you?"

He shrugged, "No real reason. Why, are you scared of me or somethin'?" he smiled at me - a cold, unfeeling smile that gave me the shivers. I was now supremely aware of how dark it was getting and how far from home I was. I made a decision to get out of there - fast.  
As much as I wanted to piss my brothers off, I liked myself in one piece, thank you.

"Look Tim, I'm real sorry but I really have to get home."

He stopped and I froze, afraid he was going to hit me, but instead he just gave me a look of pure disgust and walked away. The whole thing was so bizarre I almost didn't believe it had happened. I still had a cold, somethings-not-right feeling in my stomach, so I turned and bolted all the way home. I definitely did not have Pony's knack for running, nor did we share much else. Our hair color was identical (reddish/goldish - a lot of ish's), we both had the same gray eyes, small noses, and a tendency to freckle in the summer - but that was where the similarities ended. Pony was a dreamer, I was logical. He had a tendency to be reckless, caution was my middle name. He was passive aggressive, I was known for being mouthy. It was amazing to me how two people who'd shared a womb could be so completely different. I was thinking about this as I approached our house. I was aware at how stupid I would look waltzing in after 45 minutes, but I was still thrown off by my encounter with Tim to care. I braced myself for the yelling as I swung open the door and stood in the front hall.

Darry and Soda were sitting on couch, but both sprung up as soon as I walked in.

"Don't!" I said sharply, as Darry opened his mouth to assault me with some form of verbal whiplash. "I know what you're going to say but just ...don't.  
I'm a horrible person, I'm irresponsible, I'm a whore, I'm worthless, I was out of line, I lied to you. Did I get it all?"

"Jessie I -"

"Darry, please. I just want to go to bed."

"Jessie, let him talk." Soda said, his voice soothing. Somehow it struck a nerve, and I began to cry for the second time that day.

"I'm really sorry, Darry. I'm sorry I lied to you and everyone about Johnny, and that I ran away, and that I'm always mouthing off to you. I'm just really sorry." I was as shocked as Darry and Soda looked, mostly because I hadn't expected to say any of those things. Maybe it was my subconcious speaking. I blinked a few times, "Can I go to bed now?"

Darry said nothing, just walked over and gathered me into his arms. He rested his head on mine, and began to rub my back. "It's okay, Jess.  
It's okay. You had us so worried."

"Darry?"

"Yeah?"

"I really miss him."

"Miss who, Jellybean?"

"Johnny. I miss him so much." My heart felt like it was going to explode. Darry rarely showed any affection to me and that paired with my longing for Johnny had completely unhinged me. "I just want to die, too. I want to see him again. And I want you to be proud of me like you are Soda. And care about my grades. And not yell at me - I really try to obey you, Darry. I do. I'm sorry."

Darry gave me one more tight squeeze and then held me at arms length. "I love you, Jellybean."

"Love you, too."

Soda was still standing in the same spot by the couch, his expression solemn, and his eyes looking teary. I pulled out of Darry's embrace and wiped my eyes as best I could. "I love you too, Soda."

He pulled me into his arms and squeezed me tight, "I love you too, Jessie."

Darry laughed, "Shoot, we sound so ridiculous! Imagine if the guys were here. We'd never live it down."

Soda and I grinned back at him. And then I realized something, "Hey, where's Pony?"

"Out with Two-Bit, probably picking up girls." Soda answered.

Not two minutes later, the screen door slammed open and Two-Bit bounded in, looking hysterical. "Pony and me got jumped by some Soc's! I got away alright, but Pony got the brunt of it. He ...he was stabbed. He looks pretty bad you guys"  
He winced, as if expecting Darry to beat the hell out of him - a thought that crossed my mind as well.

"Where is he?" Darry asked.

"Outside. I carried him here - I ain't strong enough to carry him to the hospital."

The atmosphere in the room changed instantly - fear rippled through all of us, and in no time flat we were out the door and at Pony's side. I gasped when I saw his face - a large bruise was covering his left eye, and the rest of his face was bloody and unrecognizable. His shirt was torn open around his hip, and blood was oozing out the hole - a stab wound.

Soda was listening to his chest. He looked up, horror in his eyes. "He's not breathing."


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for all the positive feedback! You guys are really great.  
Special thanks to: Drop Dead Fred Is My Invisible Friend, silverstagbeauty, onetreehillfrk, and Rugrats101**

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**Chapter 4**

It had been almost 3 hours since we'd rushed Ponyboy to the emergency room. No one had updated us on his condition, nor were we allowed to see him. Two-Bit was sitting solemnly, head in his hands, looking as miserable as I felt.

Darry hadn't said a word - he just sat on one of the cold, plastic chairs and stared at the floor. I knew he was thinking about how he was to blame for the stabbing, and I also knew it was best to just give him some space.

Soda hadn't left my side. His way of dealing with trauma was to keep busy, and his current task was to ask me every milisecond if I was okay, if I needed anything, or did I want to talk? I was trying to keep the irritation out of my voice; I wanted nothing more than to be by myself and let my subconcious take over the task of punishing me for what I knew was my fault. I hadn't quite figured out why it was my fault, but like I said: I always needed someone to blame, and this time I'd chosen myself.

Darry had given me his hoodie and I wrapped it tightly around myself; partly for warmth, mostly for protection.

"Are you hungry, Jessie?" Soda asked me for the upteenth time.

"I'm fine."

"You haven't eaten since lunch. Why don't we -"

"Soda! Just leave me alone." I snapped. He looked stung, and I immediately felt bad. "I'm really not hungry, I just want to see Pony."

Soda nodded, "Me too, Jellybean."

"I'm going to ask whoever's in charge of this damn place where the hell my brother is!" Darry said, getting to his feet. He stomped away angrily in the direction of the receptionist and I could see him gesturing wildly at her. No one said a word.

I curled up next to Soda, my head on his chest, and began to cry. I barely made a sound, but my whole body shook as the events of the day crashed around me. So much had been sucked out of me - emotions, tears, hurts, memories - and I felt like a shell. A hollow, pitiful shell. Soda said nothing, just wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.

I couldn't remember ever being so terrified in my life. I knew Pony was in bad shape and right then I would've taken a stab wound to replace the hurt I was feeling in my heart. Hadn't I lost enough? My parents, Dallas, Johnny. Each of those losses had inflicted me like the plague - their deaths had torn me apart, body and soul. And when I was finally starting to recover, to pick up the pieces, another blow. My brother, my twin, my best friend.

I decided not to think about it. If I didn't think about it I couldn't hurt anymore, and that was all I wanted.

Darry came back, and his voice shook as he told us, "We're allowed to see him now."

I got shakily to my feet and followed Soda, Two-Bit and Darry down a long hallway. It smelled like sickness and pain and death and I felt like vomiting.

"They're not sure what to expect. The wound was deep and even though they stitched it up, there's a risk of infection and they might have to operate. He's on oxygen - he passed out from severe blood loss which is why he wasn't breathing." Darry told us as we approached a room.

I instinctively clutched Soda's hand and the four of us walked in, unsure of what to expect, and afraid to expect much. I felt my eyes well up with tears again as I saw Pony on that hospital bed, tubes up his nose, hooked up to a heartrate monitor, face bruised and bandaged. He looked so helpless and I wanted to shake him awake and scream at him for being so careless.

Pony's eyes fluttered open, and he stared blearily at us. A tentative grin spread across his face, "Hey guys."

It was all too much. I couldn't stand to be in this place anymore. Who voluntarily came to a hospital? I felt like the walls were closing in, and I couldn't breathe. I turned to run away, but Soda had apparently guessed my intentions and grabbed me by the shoulders before I could bolt.

"Let me go." I whispered. I jerked, but he tightened his grip, "You're hurting me!"

"Jessie, you can't run away."

"I can't stay here, Soda. I can't." He led me over to the bedside where Darry was gripping Pony's hand.

"Hey, Pony." I said quietly, hesitantly.

"Hey, Jess." I guess I looked as awful as I felt because he added, "It's okay, Jess. I'm gonna be okay."

"I have to go," I muttered.

"Don't leave. I'm sorry about what I said earlier." Pony's voice was small and weak as he reached out for my hand.

I jumped back out of his grasp. "I need to go. I ...I have homework."

"Jessie, what's wrong with you?" Darry asked sharply.

I ignored him. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I glanced at Pony. He looked so pained I couldn't leave him. I sat down tentatively at the edge of his bed. "Does it hurt?"

He shrugged, "Yeah, like hell. But I'll be fine. I'm okay."

I nodded. I suddenly felt incredibly tired so I crawled over and lay down beside my brother, resting my head on his pillow. I could hear voices around me as I drifted off to sleep, but I couldn't hear what they were saying. I just slept and slept, and thanked God that I didn't dream.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

I awoke the next morning with a pounding headache and only a vague recollection of the night before. I remembered falling asleep next to Ponyboy, but between then and now I had somehow been transported to my own bed.

I yawned widely and swung my legs over the side of my bed. There were voices coming from the general direction of the living room, and I decided to investigate.

It turned out to be Steve, Soda's best friend and Sodapop.

"Hey kid, what are you doing home?" Steve asked.

"Don't call me kid, and where else would I be?" I asked, annoyed. He always called me kid and I always told him not to. It was a little dance we did.

He stared at me as if I had the intelligence of a potted plant, "School. Or are you a drop out, too?"

It suddenly dawned on me that it was Friday and I did indeed have school today. Yesterday had felt so long, I had just assumed it was already the weekend.

"You don't have to go, Jellybean. I can call in sick for you." Darry said, waltzing in from the kitchen.

I considered my options: stay home and worry about Ponyboy, or go to school and worry about Ponyboy. The latter apppealed to me only because classes would provide some form of distraction, which I desperately craved.

"Can I go to school after lunch?"

"If you want. Soda can drive you."

"I can walk," I answered, surprised. The school was barely ten minutes from our house.

"I don't want you walking alone," Darry said sharply, ending the discussion. I shrugged, deciding not to argue, and flopped down on the couch. It was 11:09, giving me a little over an hour to do as I pleased.

I was deciding whether or not to clean my room just for something to do, when the door opened and in walked Tracey, Soda's latest girlfriend. She had dark red hair, big brown eyes, a lingering smell of cheap, flowery perfume and a dislike of any top that covered her midriff. Soda had been serial dating since his breakup with Sandy, and every one of his conquests were more or less the same, give or take a few layers of make-up. Tracey was pretty, they all were, but she gave off a distinct aura of sleaziness and I resented her for letting my brother think she was good enough for him.

"I heard about your brother," she said, batting her long, fake eyelashes and flopping down on Soda's lap. "How is he?"

"He's okay," Soda answered shortly. Darry had left to go work on a car, so Steve and I were left to squirm uncomfortably at Tracey's skankiness.

"Why don't we go for a walk? Take your mind off things," she said. Her tone suggested she had a secret agenda, and I had a pretty good idea of what it was. I cringed.

"Soda has to drive me to school," I explained, trying to keep the irritation out of my voice.

Tracey ignored me. She stood up and tugged on Soda's hand. "Come on. It'll help. Pony wouldn't want you sulking around here all day."

"STOP PRETENDING YOU CARE ABOUT PONYBOY!" I heard myself scream. "YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE!"

"Jessie, calm down!" Soda snapped, his eyes blazing. "You have no idea how she feels, so just keep your mouth shut, understand?"

"Soda! She just wants to get in your pants."

Seve snorted with laughter and I turned to glare at him.

"Would you mind your own business?" Tracey spat at me. She cursed loudly. "You're just jealous because you're an attention-craved little bitch who's afraid to lose Soda, because you already lost your pathetic little boyfriend."

I froze, my heartbeat pounding in my ears. No one said a word. I felt that reckless feeling wash over me again and I lunged at her, a loud crack echoing as I punched her sqaure in the face.

"Jessie!" Steve yelled as he yanked me backwards.

Soda looked angrier than I'd ever seen him. His voice shook as he turned to Tracey and said, "Get out!"

Her nose was bleeding uncontrollably and I felt a twinge of satisfaction. She looked as if she was going to argue, but instead she snapped, "Whatever! It's not my fault your sister is a selfish little -"

"GET OUT!"

Tracey stomped out the door and past Darry who was standing in the doorway, looking completely baffled. Soda never yelled, and I never had a tendency to be violent. Things were changing at an alarming rate in the Curtis household.

"Jess, I'm sorry." Soda said quietly.

"Why do you always go out with trash like that? You can do so much better."

"Come on, Jessie. That's not fair. Maybe she wasn't the best choice, but it's not always like that."

"Yes, it! I hate it. There's someone new all the time."

"So what? What's wrong with that?"

I wasn't sure, but I wasn't about to let him know that, "It's just wrong, okay? Anyway. I don't need a ride to school."

"What? Why?" Darry asked.

"I just changed my mind, is that okay?"

"Would you stop with the attitude?"

"Whatever. I'm going back to bed. Wake me up if you hear anything about Pony."

"Not whatever, Jess. I'm sick of you being such an axe-wound to everyone the past couple days! We're all hurting, okay? We don't need you stirring the pot even more."

That stung. I couldn't even find any words, I just stomped to my room and slammed the door. Darry didn't follow me, but I could hear him ranting to Soda and Steve; I closed my eyes to tune him out.

_F L A S H B A C K_

_"I don't even know why we always fight, it's like a reflex." I said, swinging Johnny's hand in my own. It was a Saturday night; the gang, minus Johnny, had all gone to a drive-in movie and it was the first chance in over a week that Johnny and I had got to be alone. It was nice._

_"Well, you do aggravate him, Jessie. I mean, you know what buttons to press and you use that to your advantage."_

_"So it's my fault?" I asked, highly offended._

_"No, you know that's not what I mean. I just mean it takes two people to fight and it's sometimes just as much your fault as Darry's. Maybe try to be less mouthy sometimes, you know?"_

_I knew, but I was hurt that he didn't immediately come to my defense. That's what boyfriends were supposed to do. "Yeah, you'd know all about fighting at home, wouldn't you Johnny?" I snapped._

_Johnny didn't say anything, but he let go of my hand. I wanted to kick myself; I'd never said anything that horrible to him before. Instead of getting angry though, he pulled me into his arms and stroked my hair, "I know you didn't mean that, Jess. And I know you want me to be on your side, but fair is fair and I'm just trying to help you out. You know that, right?"_

_I snuggled closer to him, "I'm sorry I'm such a terrible person."_

_"Aw, you're not terrible. You're amazing." He whispered the last part into my hair and I shivered._

_I don't know how long we stood there, but I knew that nothing Johnny could say to me could ever make me love him any less. I was his only imperfection._

_E N D_

Someone was shaking me awake. Sodapop. "Go away," I mumbled.

"We're going over to the hospital. Ponyboy slipped into a coma."

I bolted upright and sprang from the bed. I wasn't dressed, my hair was uncombed, and I was still wearing Darry's sweater from the night before. But none of that mattered. Soda dragged me by the hand, out the door, and into our little Ford. The stars were out, and the sky was a deep velvety purple; it boggled my mind that the stars could still be shining when my brother was lying in a hospital bed, comatose.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

As soon as we arrived at the hospital Darry was pulled aside by one of the doctors.  
Soda and I stood awkwardly in the middle of the hall, anxious and scared. After a few minutes of speaking in hushed tones, Darry returned to us; his eyes were shiny as if he was about to start crying. He must've seen the horrified expression on my face, because he said quickly, "He's alive."

"I want to see him," I said shakily.

"We can't yet. The doctor said -"

"I don't care, Darry! I need to see him." I could feel my eyes well up with tears.

"I know, kiddo, but we can't," he said softly, pulling me into his arms.

I squirmed away, "I need to see him _now_. I don't care what the doctor says! He's our brother!"

Darry sighed loudly and put his head in his hands, "Jessie, please don't start right now. I have enough to worry about."

"I need to see him, Darry!" I ran over to the nearest nurse. "What room is Ponyboy Curtis in?"

"103, but you can't see him right now, I'm afraid," she said briskly.

"Why not? I'm his sister! Why can't I see him?"

Darry grabbed my arm, "Jessie, would you cool it? We all want to see him. Sorry, ma'am," he added to the nurse. She gave us a pitying look and walked away.

He gave me a hard shake, "What has gotten into you? You're like a damn time-bomb - I can't keep up!"

"Darry, she's upset, just give her a break," Soda said.

"Don't play the hero, Sodapop. She's being a brat, and you know it."

"She's upset! Her twin brother, our brother, is in a coma in critical condition! What do you want her to do? Throw a fucking parade!"

"Watch your language, kid," Darry said sharply. "You think I don't know all that? That still doesn't give her the right to -"

"STOP TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE I'M NOT EVEN HERE!" I yelled, giving Darry a hard shove. He barely stumbled,  
but his expression turned stony.

"Why are you making such a scene? You know what? Get in the car, you're going home. Soda will drive you -"

"No, I won't. She has just as much right to be here as -"

"DON'T. ARGUE. WITH. ME." Darry roared.

"I'm not going anywhere until I see Ponyboy!" I said defiantly.

We all stood there, breathing deeply, ready to retaliate. An elderly doctor approached us cautiously. "Excuse me? Are you the Curtis'?"

"Yes," Darry said shortly.

"Your brother is in no condition for visitors, and probably won't be for a couple of days; tomorrow at the earliest.  
I think it'd be best if you all went home - we'll update you of any changes in his condition."

"We're not going anywhere until we see him," Darry said politely.

The doctor shrugged, "Suit yourself, but you'll have a hell of a sleep on those hospital chairs." He walked off down the hall, and we all watched him go.

"I guess that's settled then," Soda said, making his way over to the sitting area. Darry followed and plopped down onto a chair.

"Darry, please," I begged, walking over to stand in front of him. "I want to see Pony. Can't you do something?"

"I wish I could, Jellybean. I do. But we just have to wait." He pulled me down onto his lap, and this time I let him. I laid my head on his shoulder and blinked back a new flood of tears. I was so sick of crying - it hadn't done me any good so far.

"Why do bad things keep happening to us?" I asked quietly.

Darry didn't answer, but I heard him make a noise in the back of his throat, like a sob. I didn't want to see him cry, so I buried my head in his chest and tried to sleep.

_F L A S H B A C K_

_"Hi, Johnny." I said quietly, walking over to his bedside. I tried not to gasp at the sight of his burns, but my expression must've gave me away._

_"It doesn't hurt too bad," he said, trying to smile._

_I sat on the edge of his bed, unsure of what to do. He grasped my hand tightly and I squeezed his back._

_"I need to tell you something, Jessie."_

_"Yeah?" I asked. Something in his voice told me it wasn't good news. I wanted to run away; I wished then that I was brave like my brothers, but I was a coward._

_"I ...the doctors say I'm probably not going to live much longer. I inhaled too much smoke, and my lungs are damaged pretty badly. Now don't start crying, okay? I've accepted it, and I need you to accept it, too. Nobody knows except me and now you."_

_"Johnny, no, they said you'll be okay -"_

_He was shaking his head, "I told them I didn't want anyone to know. It's better that way. But I wanted to tell you myself. I love you, Jess. I really do."_

_I had begun to sob, my whole body trembling with emotion. "No, Johnny, please ...just hold on. You're tough! The doctor's could be wrong. Please, Johnny,  
I need you."_

_"Don't cry, Jessie, please! I never deserved you, and maybe I'm being punished, I don't know. All I know is that I loved you,  
maybe more than you loved me, and I'm glad I'm going to die knowing that I had you in my life."_

_I shook my head, "That's not true, Johnny Cade. You were the best thing in my life, the best thing. I will never feel this way about anyone else."_

_"That's not true. You're going to grow up and meet someone and get married and raise a family; maybe you'll think about me once in awhile, about all the firsts we had, but that's all. Don't be sad, Jessie. You're gonna be okay, I know it. You'll get out of Tulsa and find someone better than me."_

_"Stop it!" I sobbed out, "That's not true! I want to marry you! Only you, don't you understand?"_

_"That's what you think now, Jess. Things change." He paused, and then said, "Can I ask you a favor though?"_

_I was too emotional to answer, so I just nodded my head._

_"When you get married and start a family, don't forget me, okay? I figure my parents will move on easy enough, but I need someone to remember that I was here. Just remember me, okay? Remember that I was the first one who loved you enough to disagree with you once in awhile," he reached up to trace my face with his fingertips, "and to memorize your eyelashes, and your eyes, and your lips ..."_

_"I promise," I whispered, tears streaming down my cheeks and onto his hands._

_"I love you, Jessie."_

_I lowered my face to his, and kissed his lips softly._

_E N D  
_

* * *

**Sorry this chapter is so short. I want a few more reviews before I continue, so I'm going to wait awhile and see what the response is! Thanks to all those have been loyal readers :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Nobody slept well that night. Every sound was magnified, every emotion heightened, and around 6:54 Am in the morning, we finally got some concrete news.

"Your brother is going to be okay. He's still drifting in and out of conciousness, but we have him stabalized and he'll be good as new within a couple days."

I didn't know whether or not to believe it at first. Darry looked so relieved though, I decided that i could afford to get my hopes up. We were allowed to see Pony for a few minutes; he was asleep, his face peaceful, his eyeslids fluttering as if he were dreaming. None of us wanted to leave, but the nurse insisted it'd be best for him to just rest to ensure a full recovery. We left, albeit reluctantly, promising Ponyboy we'd be back as soon as possible.

None of us had eaten much in the past few days, so Darry suggested we head over to the local all-night diner to get something to eat. As we filed into a booth near the back, in walked Tim Shepard who spotted us immediately and was quick to slide in right beside me. I shuffled over as non-discreetly as possible, trying to create a safe amount of distance. I still hadn't figured out exactly what our encounter had been about, and had been a little creeped out ever since. He said a quick hello to my brothers before turning to me.

"Hey, I heard about Ponyboy. Is he alright?"

I didn't answer, just folded and refolded my napkin and waited for my brothers to answer.

"He's gonna be okay." Darry said, giving me a questioning look.

"I'd sure hate to see anything bad happen to that kid," Tim said, sounding oddly sincere. I still refused to look at him and after a few moments of awkward silence, he said something about meeting some friends and waltzed off.

"What was that all about?" Darry asked, looking at me.

"Wish I knew," I said, honestly. Tim Shepard was not high on my list of favorite people, and I'd have preferred it if he would cut to the chase and stop with these little meetings. I decided next time I saw him I was going to demand to know what was going on.

Or maybe not.

The waitress came by, a moody blonde who looked like she'd stepped right out of Two-Bit's subconcious. I knew her from school - her name was Janette Something-or-other and she had quite the reputation in the boy's locker room. She had round, wide hazel eyes and a little bow mouth frosted with bright red lipstick. "What can I get y'all?" she asked, giving Soda an appraising sort of look. "Hey, haven't seen you in school in quite some time."

Soda shrugged, "Dropped out a while ago."

"Well that's just too bad, ain't it?" she smirked, and I wanted to kick her.

"I'll have a vanilla milkshake, please." I said, loudly. I hated when girls fawned over my brothers; it was absolutely the most uncomfortable thing to watch. Sodapop especially - the way some girls at school went on about him, you'd think he was James Dean. I knew I wasn't unfortunate looking, but Soda had a way of making me feel like a total troll, even though he never meant to. Janette gave me a withering look, and I smiled sweetly back.

"That all you gettin', Jessie?" Darry asked.

"I'm not so hungry," I answered. It was a total lie - I was starving, but I hated when Darry spent money on me.

"Suit yourself. I'll have the Early Bird Special."

"Me, too," Soda said, flashing Janette a smile that made my skin crawl. "You've worked here long? I've never seen you around before."

Janette smiled, leaning over the table flirtaciously, "Just started about a week ago. At least I know there's one perk to this job."

Soda laughed and blushed a deep shade of crimson. The attention craving monster inside me was beginning to roar, and I couldn't resist blurting out, "Hey Janette, right? Is it true you and Jackson Mills are dating? There's a rumor going around."

Janette's smile faltered and she mumbled something about placing our orders before she hurried away, looking embarassed.

We finished our meals without incident, but the conversation was somewhat stilted. Soda was looking a little downcast, but brightened right up when the bill came and with it a small note that Janette shoved into his hands, winking. I had a strong suspicion that it was her phone number, and I wanted to rip it in half.

"You're not going to call her, are you Soda?" I asked as we loaded into the car.

He shrugged, "Why not? She's cute. Might as well."

"I don't think you should."

Soda chuckled, "And why's that, Jellybean?"

"She's gross. Everyone at school thinks she's a slut."

"Maybe everyone at school is wrong."

"Maybe they're not. Maybe you shouldn't call her."

"Jess, I appreciate the advice and all, but I'm gonna call her whether you like it or not."

"See! You always go for ...thosetypes.I could list 1000 girls that still have their virginity who would give their right arm to date you."

"Why are you suddenly so interested in my dating life?"

I shrugged, "Well, they hang around our house all the time. I think I should have a say. Right, Darry?"

"I think you ought to keep your nose out of Soda's business." Darry said, raising his eyebrows at me in the rearview mirror. I sank back into my seat and bit my lip to hold back any smart comments. We rode the rest of the way home in silence, and I had a sinking feeling that Soda wasn't too pleased with me. I rarely ever upset Soda, but lately I had been provoking him for reasons unbeknownst to myself. Soda hopped out of the car as soon as Darry pulled into the curb, but Darry held me back when I tried to do the same.

"Look, hon, I know you're not a fan of Soda's taste in girls; I'm not either. But we've gotta give him a break. He'll learn eventually. You dig?"

I nodded, feeling quite ashamed of myself and ran up the steps into the house intent on apologizing to Soda. I burst into his room without knocking, only to meet him naked from the waist up. "Oh. Um. Sorry. I'll come back later."

Soda smiled, "I'm just changing my shirt. What's up?"

I flopped down across his bed and grabbed the nearest pillow to cover my face. I always felt silly apologizing and apparently this time was no exception. "I'msorryforwhatIsaidaboutJanetteandeverything," I mumbled into the pillow.

"What was that?" Soda asked, and I could hear him smiling.

"I'm sorry. Don't make me say it again." I clutched the pillow tighter and I peeked over a corner at my brother.

"You're such a stubborn little brat," he laughed, swatting me with his shirt.

"Or you could say the ever popular 'I forgive you, Jessie!'"

"Don't get cheeky, kid." He sat down beside me; I rested my head on his lap.

"Soda?"

"Yep?"

"Why do you date ...those kind of girls?"

"What kind of girls are they?"

"Don't make me say it."

"Say it."

"Greaser girls."

"You're not exactly a Soc yourself, Jellybean."

"Shut up. You know what I mean."

"Yeah, I do."

"I mean, I know lots of girls who would kill their own mother to date you."

"Oh, stop. You're making me blush." Soda rolled his eyes, "Sorry, but I'm not so into the 14 and under crowd."

"Fifteen."

"Whatever. The point is that I'll date who I want to date, and I'm sorry if it bothers you, but that's the way it is." He ruffled my hair affectionately and I squirmed away.

The rest of the day passed without incident. Darry phoned the hospital nearly every hour to see how Pony was doing, and everytime he got the same respone: "He just needs to rest. He'll make a full recovery." So we waited and waited. We all pitched in to clean the house, trying to keep busy, trying not to think. Finally on Sunday afternoon we recieved a phone call saying that Ponyboy was well enough to be released from the hospital.


End file.
